The Development of Self-Regulation

Newborns emerge totally dependent on adults, with no ability for self-care or regulating. The same practices that create secure attachment, such as consistent, responsive, and loving care, also teach self-regulation. Over time, when infants’ needs are met regularly, they will learn that stress is temporary and so will gradually react with less distress. The baby is learning to tolerate discomfort and anxiety with adult help. This forms the roots of the process where the child transitions from needing external regulation (adult help) to developing internal regulation (self-soothing). Research has shown that infants who receive sympathetic responses to their feelings are easy to soothe, express more positive emotions, explore more, and are more attentive (Eisenberg, Spinard, & Smith, 2004).

The infant who learns to deal with hunger pangs becomes the preschooler who can wait for a turn (and hopefully the adult who can deal with life’s adversities). This ability certainly doesn’t develop overnight, but it does begin much earlier than most people think. Only after toddlers have established their own identity can they understand the consequences of their actions on others.

But even after self-awareness develops, children regularly deregulate (or fail to self-regulate successfully). This is the word I keep hearing lately to describe what we all know as “falling apart” or having a hissy fit/temper tantrum/meltdown. (Or, as a Thomas-the-Train-obsessed toddler described himself after a tantrum, “I was a troublesome break-down train.”)

Children’s ability to self-regulate normally increases over time as they mature. This is because the brain is still developing the parts needed for self-control, such as attention. But even with maturation, self-control is more difficult for some children than others. These toddlers need more help and guidance from adults in order to self-regulate. Many factors can affect the ability for self-control. Children with poor self-regulation skills often have hyper-reactive neurological systems. Over-responsiveness to stress may be caused by genes, prenatal/birth trauma, or environmental stresses. These toddlers tend to be even more impulsive, active, and hypersensitive to transitions. Other factors associated with difficulty with self-regulation may include:

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