Social-Emotional Characteristics
Toddlers are typically…
- Egocentric - Self-centeredness, or the inability to see a different point of view (the opposite is empathy). It’s important to understand that it is age-appropriate and healthy for infants and toddlers to think that they are the center of the universe (but I always say that by age three children should start understanding that there are other people in the world, too).
- Easily frustrated - The huge gap between the feelings and wants of toddlers and their abilities causes much exasperation and de-regulation of behavior. Imagine having a ten- or twenty-word vocabulary to express all your feelings and thoughts. Caregivers must often be detectives in order to understand what toddlers are trying to communicate.
Vignette:
Once when I was caring for a friend’s toddler, he kept telling me solemnly “man down the drain.” I tried many approaches with him, such as repeating what he said and asking simple questions. But none of my responses seemed to satisfy him since he continued to repeat himself--he obviously wanted something else from me. The mystery was finally solved when his preschool-aged sister returned home and said, “Maybe he’s talking about his little play man that went down the bathtub drain at my grandparents’ house?” After hearing that, I went to him and told him that even though the toy man went down the drain, he never, ever would. With that, the anxiety disappeared from his face and he was able to play again.
- Negative/defiant - Saying “no” (even to desired things) is one of the main ways toddlers assert their independence and power. They may also go limp, run away, cry, and/or tantrum to avoid complying.
- Physically aggressive - Toddler impatience and egocentrism lead often to lashing out in anger. Biting, hair pulling, pushing, and grabbing are all common behaviors. Aggression lessens as children’s ability for self-regulation and expressive language improve.
- Prone to tantrums - Uncontrollable emotional outbursts are common to young children. Also called “ego disintegration” or deregulation, this is when the higher brain fails to regulate the emotional expression of the lower brain. Temper tantrums are usually caused by frustration and can be exacerbated by physical factors (such as hunger or fatigue). Tantrums are more common to some children than others because of temperament or special needs.
- Curious - Toddlers have an insatiable drive to discover and learn. While this curiosity drives development, it also means that toddlers often unintentionally put themselves in harm’s way. Close adult supervision is mandatory to toddler survival.
- Possessive - A common toddler trait, since children must learn ownership before they are able to share. By age three most children can share. The way a toddler views possession is summed up beautifully by “The Toddler’s Creed,” which appeared in pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton’s newspaper column:
If I want it, it’s mine.
If I give it to you and change my mind later, it’s mine.
If I can take it away from you, it’s mine.
If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
If it’s mine, it will never belong to anybody else, no matter what.
If we are building something together, all the pieces are mine.
If it looks just like mine, it is mine.
- Friendlier toward strangers/warier about other new things - Stranger anxiety fades and is replaced by new fears that often include loud noises, animals, doctors, the toilet or drain, the dark, and costumed/masked people.
- Interested in peers - Toddlers are starting to show caring and affection for friends. They like to be near peers but do not yet play cooperatively. Instead they play alone (solitary play) or side-by-side with similar materials but without interacting (parallel play).
- Swarming in groups - Toddlers have a tendency to follow peers and adults and group themselves together. Sometimes this geographic closeness leads to increased aggression.
- Bossy - Two-year-olds are often demanding and want to be in charge (of everything and everyone). Again, this is part of establishing an autonomous identity.
- Into rituals and routines - Toddlers crave the predictability and sense of security that comes with understanding what happens next. Patterns are soothing and help the world make sense for the very young who have virtually no control over their lives. Routines are especially helpful when dealing with transitions such as bedtime or going to childcare.
- Fond of being with adults - Most toddlers love to help caregivers and still want them close by. Their new desire for autonomy is often submerged by their need for adult “babying.”
- Affectionate - Most one- and two-year-olds are very physically affectionate - kissing, hugging, and patting - with familiar people. By 30 months, many will say, “I love you” if it has been modeled for them.
- Attached to transition objects - Also known as a security blanket, a transition object represents the mother (or main caregiver) and helps the toddler transition (or make changes). These security objects are especially useful when the child must separate from the trusted adult, such as going to bed or child care. About 60% of children become attached to specific comfort items as young as four to six months. These items may stay consistent throughout early childhood or change with time. Stuffed animals, blankets, and pacifiers are all common beloved objects (although I knew a child who attached to mommy’s black silk camisole!). Attachment to these items should not be discouraged since they can help toddlers feel secure. Photos of family members, or the smell of a parent’s perfume or lotion, can sometimes comfort children separated from both parents and security objects.
- Using social referencing - This is when children look to trusted caregivers for emotional guidance. The adult’s reaction to new or uncertain situations cues toddlers as to how to behave. It begins as young as eight months and is used extensively in the toddler years.
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