Children & Grief

Children are often thought to be unaffected by grief and loss, but this is not true. Since children do not have the life experience of adults, they may grieve even when faced with small losses. As an educator, you know that students grieve not just in regard to people lost through death, but also about lost relationships (divorce, moving, breakup of a friendship, etc.), loss of external objects, loss of self-esteem (due to abuse, not doing well in school, not being accepted by peers, etc.), and loss related to habits or bodily functions (loss of teeth, habits like thumb-sucking, etc.)

A child’s cognitive reaction to loss greatly depends on his or her social/emotional developmental level. Typical grief reactions by developmental age are as follows:

Infant-2 years: An infant or toddler’s conception of loss is “all gone.” Since they have just developed object permanency, they may still expect the person or object to appear again soon. Typical reactions to loss are general distress, change in sleep patterns, crankiness, refusal to eat, shock, and despair. Since toddlers depend on their observance of others to know how they should feel internally, much of their reaction to the loss will depend on how the parent is handling his or her own grief.

2-7 years: Preschoolers and early elementary children often think that death is by happenstance. Since they have not reached the level of concrete thinking, they may think of the loss as being temporary and reversible (magical thinking). Since they are so egocentric, they often think that they will never die or think that they did something to cause the incident. This may cause confusion, guilt, agitation, frightening dreams, and regression--or the child may seem to act unaffected (which often distresses parents and relatives). Preschoolers may believe death is like sleep, which leads to fears of the dark or of going to sleep. They may also believe that parents and adults are all-powerful and that death is a punishment for being “bad” and not following adult rules. Since children in early childhood have the skills of memory, increased anticipation, and the ability to build their own mental images, imagination and previous experiences now play a major role in the perception of the event. They also often react not only to the loss of the person or the object, but also to the loss of the normal household routines that give stability to their life. Since language and imaginative play are the hallmarks of this pre-operational stage (Piaget), preschoolers who are grieving may exhibit death themes in their imaginative play. Play therapy often helps young children work through their grief.

8-12 years: As children move into the middle childhood years (8-12), they have moved into the stage of concrete operations. This causes them to think in the here-and-now. They are able to understand about death and loss in a concrete way, but they still don’t think it can happen to them. They will not be able to imagine what it is like to die until they develop abstract reasoning in early adolescence. This causes denial, anger, sorrow, general distress, disorientation, and confusion to be the typical reactions. The adjustments they must make in life due to the loss may be more important to them than the loss itself. Since they have a strong need to conform with peers, they may act at school as if nothing has happened. They also may ask the same questions over and over, which is their way of trying to make sense of the situation. If they are agitated, they may need frequent and increased physical activity to burn off energy.

Since they are now capable of drawing conclusions, they are able to understand the emotional impact of the event. They are able to understand how someone else feels, so they can think about intangibles such as loss, love, emotions, death, etc. The subconscious mind has formed, so repression of emotions is more probable. Many 8-12 year-olds think that discussing feelings is too personal, so parents and teachers of children in the middle childhood years need to watch for signs of stress that indicate that a student is repressing emotions and not dealing with the loss. Kids this age often become fascinated with death, as shown by the books they read, the fantasy games they play, etc. They still struggle with the idea of their own mortality and often associate death with evil entities.

Early adolescence: As children move into the teenage years, they develop abstract reasoning. This causes a rich time for theorizing about death and loss and a focusing on the biological aspects of death. They often want to discuss over and over how the death or loss happened and all the gruesome details. They now understand the irreversibility of death/loss and view it as an interruption of life. Their belief that death is an enemy to be feared is shown in their music, movies, etc. They are experimenting with the formation of their own spirituality. Teens often need permission to grieve and may express their grief through passive or aggressive anger. If a loss has affected a group of students, teachers must be very aware of the power of peer interactions at this age by giving students an opportunity to share their grief in a safe environment with an adult they trust, by planning a memorial, and by not allowing them to congregate alone to fantasize about death.

In general, grieving children manifest a variety of behaviors. They often grieve intensely and loudly for short periods of time and then take a break for normal routines. Although withdrawal is common, more aggressive behaviors are also normal. They may seek some control over their life through defiance. Physical symptoms such as appetite changes, changes in elimination patterns, headaches, feelings of physical weakness, or being more fearful, restless, or angry are normal. Since young children are their feelings, they may express their grief in physical ways. Watch their body movement, play choices, and choice of language for clues to their source of loss, their understanding of the loss, and progression through the stages of grief.

Stages of Grief

The discussion below outlines the typical stages of grief due to loss. Each person’s developmental level, life experiences, and personal circumstances cause him or her to process grief at their own pace. Events may cause individuals to have to re-process or re-cycle through certain stages of grief over and over. Sometimes individuals may get “stuck” at a certain stage of grief and may need professional help to move beyond their grief to living a normal but changed life.

Stage 1: Shock or numbness: The impact of the loss may take a few minutes or a few days to be fully realized. Shock is the body’s way of protecting itself. The brain goes on automatic pilot and a person’s emotional state becomes polarized between extremes of flat affect and rage. At this stage, children often loudly protest while putting up an emotional wall that is fueled by magical/wishful thinking.

Stage 2: Denial: It is automatic for the heart and mind to avoid pain by trying to change reality. There is a tendency not to believe the event has happened. Children have difficulty comprehending that their parents cannot always keep their world safe, which causes physical reactions such as pain, despair, and disorganization. Children at this stage tend to deny their emotions, which can cause anxiety and hyperactive-type symptoms.

Stage 3: Panic or Alarm: People often tend to panic or become alarmed because they are afraid of what may happen to them. There is a sense of feeling unprotected because one’s life suddenly changes. Symptoms of anxiety such as tightness in the chest, insomnia, upset stomach, and fearful dreams are all common. Children may long or pine for the missing person as they struggle to let go. Concentration and attention compete with intense emotions and defenses.

Stage 4: Anger: Grief situations represent loss, which causes fear, which leads to anger at being hurt. When we want to make sense of something, we often look for someone or something to blame. Sometimes anger may turn outwards toward others because we feel abandoned. Sometimes it is turned inward as we blame ourselves for not being able to stop the event. Since children are so egocentric, they frequently draw incorrect conclusions about their role in causing the event. When people are in the anger stage, they often react most negatively toward those who are emotionally the closest to them. Children need structure and guidance in experiencing and expressing these intense emotions. Anger should be considered psychological pain that needs to be released in appropriate ways.

Stage 5: Bargaining: As the reality of the problem becomes harder to avoid, we may be tempted to bargain. Children at this stage may become preoccupied with the lost person and make efforts to regain the loved one. This may lead to feelings of hopelessness as they come to realize the loved one will not be coming back. This is a necessary stage, but also the most painful one.

Stage 6: Regret: Some people, especially children, feel responsible for what happened. They may feel that if they had made different choices, the outcome would have been different. Children often blame themselves for being “bad” and causing the loss.

Stage 7: Acceptance: People come to realize that there will always be pain and discomfort regarding the loss, but that they must begin to move forward with their own life. Although their heart still feels as if it is breaking, they come to understand that they will survive. Emotional intensity begins to decrease at the end of this stage.

Stage 8: Rebuilding: During this stage, moments of happiness begin to resurface and increase. People start to think toward the future and start to make plans again. They slowly start to taste, smell, and feel again. Routines are re-established and new relationships begin to be built.

Although the stages of grief are similar for adults and children, there are several important differences. First, we must remember that while adults have the life experience to understand that they can survive without the constant presence of another, children do not. Second, adults can seek out a support network, while children are left with what is given to them. This causes vulnerability because they are often left out of the family’s grief rituals. Third, children are greatly influenced by how the adults around them handle their own grief. Fourth, children learn through repetition, so they need to ask the same questions over and over. Fifth, children are physical, so often their feelings are acted out instead of spoken. And finally, children’s grief is cyclical. As they begin each new stage of development, their cognitive perceptions of death change, which causes them to have to work through the loss again to gain new understanding of it.