The Steps to Avoid Power Struggles

1. Basic underlying philosophy

1. Behavior has purpose
2. People have a need to belong/have significance
2. Reasons to avoid power struggles
1. Utilizing power-oriented tactics impresses the child with the value of power and increases his/her desire for it.
1. This leads to a still stronger orientation toward power.
2. If parent/adult "wins" often enough through force, the desire for power may result in other, even less desirable manifestations or lead to the desire for revenge.
2. Reinforces mistaken goal.
1. Mistaken goal: "I am significant only when I am in control or when I'm demonstrating that no one can control me."
2. Losing a power struggle (or winning it, for that matter) reinforces the perceived validity of that belief.
3. Shifts issue from true topic to "who will win."
1. Avoids resolution of whatever the issue was to begin with (as usually we can't remember what the initial issue was after speaking back and forth for a while).
2. Increases rather than decreases the conflict.
3. Avoiding power struggles
1. Awareness of feelings.
1. We don't have control... It's not a catastrophe.
2. Maintain consciousness of what is actually going on. Don't take things personally.
2. When feeling challenged, defied, provoked, that's the signal that a power struggle could ensue. This is your Choice Point.
3. What to do:
1. Withdraw...refuse to fight or give in (take a time-out).
2. Strategies
1. Reflective listening ("Is this what you're saying...?").
2. Exploring alternatives (problem solving).
3. I-messages (I hear, I feel, I think, I, yi-yi-yi---help).
4. Logical consequences ("You're late, so come early tomorrow").
5. Humor (no put-downs or embarrassing statements).
6. Honesty.
4. When you are not involved in a power struggle...
1. Enlist cooperation
2. Encourage
3. Build relationships
4. Enjoy people
5. Laugh